Holiday 2018
Dear Friends and Family
Note: If you've never read the annual Allred holiday letter, here's the concept: Since 1999, we've pretty much been sharing everything that went wrong so that you can feel so much better about your own lives. You're welcome.
We
started out the new year by looking for a new house and Robb was arguing with
the GPS. Tommy piped up from the back seat. “Dad. You know what this chapter of
your life is called? Dementia: The Prologue.” Robb replied, “Hey, Buddy, do you
know what this chapter in your life is called? Toothless: The Beginning.” . . .
And here we go.
You’ll recall last year Kerri and
Kyle lost everything to Hurricane Harvey in Houston. Not to be outdone, Katie
called from San Marcos: Katie: Momma! I’m okay but my apartment is on
fire and flooding.
This event would later become known as the exploding flood.
What?
Is this some kind of test!? She was so calm I thought it was a joke. Besides,
can an apartment flood AND be on fire at the same time? Yes. Yes, it can. Just
two months later, we discovered that a refrigerator “repair” in our own home actually
resulted in the copper tubing snapping and, unbeknownst to us, flooding under our
kitchen, dining room, and entrance area floors causing thousands of dollars of
damage. I lost my office area, a snake came in through one of the knocked-out
walls, we had chemical headaches and NO ONE will come pick up this fridge but
Robb’s big grind? His fury came when a baseball from the park behind us came
over the fence and dented his truck. He stewed. He boiled. He wanted to know
why the coach of the Little League did not come over, knock on our door and
say, ‘Hey, I’m sorry.’ But the coach probably knows about the curmudgeon Robb
Allred who has arguments with Alexa, the virtual voice assistant (not to be
confused with Alex, the wife, who refuses to engage), and thought better of it. We’ve got way bigger problems but Robb is
plotting how he will lie in wait for the coach next week. I said, “He’ll only deny
it. Are you really going to confront him in front of children?” . . . What he
said next cannot be put in print but the short answer is: Yes. He also said the
real “lesson” would come when he ripped the backstop out of the ground and no
one could ever play baseball again but only after the small children got a
firsthand look at what happens to a coach that doesn’t apologize for a foul
ball.
Yes. That seems fair and rational.
In the “what were we thinking”
category, we got a second blue/red heeler mix. In our defense, we got her very
early in the morning so it was dark so we didn’t see how truly inbred she is.
Robb has “a thing” about being licked so when he goes to pet her, he
lumber-hovers over her in what he perceives to be a cautious don’t-lick-me posture but actually looks
like a giant angry hairy grizzly about to kill her so she puddles every time.
Inbreds should not be intimidated that way because I’m pretty sure part of
being an inbred means having a weak bladder.
Speaking of hairy people, Tommy has
refused to shave or regularly cut his hair. He’s pretty much the only
English-speaking guy at work and, forced to learn Spanish to understand what’s
going on, discovered that his nickname “Pelón” translates to “Big Hair” or “Big Head,” which you’d think would be
a tip off but …
Robb insists that we eat new places
we’ve never been to before because he doesn’t want people to know him. We get to a new place and he
starts up:
ROBB:
Would you rather fight a bear or a mountain lion to the death?
(Note: I hate this game with him because I never answer right even
though it should be MY choice what I want to fight to the death)
ALEX:
Bear
ROBB:
I forgot to mention that her baby cubs are watching.
I hate him.
We sold
Tommy’s truck and FINALLY got him a new one which came none too soon. I was so
tired of getting in my own car to have the radio set to the Spanish channel,
blaring mariachi music. Tommy has gone total immersion. He even talks with a
Spanish accent. This big, hairy white kid, who goes by Tomás now, is speaking with a Spanish
accent. Hey, buddy, when are you getting
home? Tomás: Faive o’clock [heavy
accent] Me: Okay, grea— what? Are you
speaking with an accent? Tomás: No.
[heavy accent]
Michelle
totaled her car so Robb helped her get a new car, too, and the car dealership
did an excellent job cleaning up what we’re pretty sure was crime scene
evidence in the backseat. Michelle says as long as she doesn’t look behind her
while driving, she feels pretty positive about things. She also turns up the
radio up to avoid hearing suspicious noises from under the hood.
No
holiday letter is ever complete without reporting how our vacation went (and if
you are new here, please note that ours are always filled with hospital visits
and some measure of fear). It started with locking ourselves out of the house,
making Kerri climb 30 feet high to crawl through a tiny window, and,
ultimately, kicking in our door. Midway, a visit to the E/R in Gunnison,
Colorado, ending with leaving Robb in Colorado. I’ll leave you to your
imaginations. Sidenote: I saw Kerri’s itinerary for the honeymoon she &
Kyle never had (thank you, Hurricane Harvey) in Norway and near as I can tell,
it involves never sitting down and sleeping in an ice cave. Kerri! You’re going to kill your husband!
Let the boy live, Kerri, let him live! Don’t continue the Allred vacations!
I got
to meet some amazing literary agents, including the Marisa Corvisiero, who said, “You’re like Forrest Gump.” Keep smiling, I said to myself, Forrest Gump, though odd, was a blockbuster
hit. Maybe she smells $$. She
finished, “But in a good way.” Ah. Note
to self: Re-watch Forrest Gump.
I
completed the novel, The Body. The awesome thing about my
friends is that they understand that they will often find themselves in my
books (fiction and non-) so when I told Audra that she was a true inspiration
but, alas, she was also a prostitute and had to die (but not because she’s a
prostitute – completely unrelated), she just asked, “Well, was I a high-priced
prostitute?” Absolutely!
As an
author, it is critically important to me that my children might also share in
the art of expression. While Kerri continues to teach violin/piano & art,
she is also working on her next novel! Tommy, hoping to become fluent in both
Spanish and French, and a newly declared language major, also saw the need in
creating an employee file for “Shadow,” the company dog at work. Shadow is
bilingual so he really should have his own file. But true skills were put into
play when a family came in to the veterinarian clinic where Katie works. The
client explained that their child was asking for a unicorn and SO FIRM in her
belief that Santa would deliver because, indeed, she had been a very good girl,
they did not want to dash her hopes. Perhaps, they asked, if Dr. Dan could
explain that he didn’t treat unicorns, the little girl would acquiesce…
UNICORN LETTER ... WE DO BELIEVE!
UNICORN LETTER ... WE DO BELIEVE!
Katie cracked her knuckles, looked
at her co-workers and said, “I got this!” She’s been in training for this
moment her entire life! Our hellish vacations have not been for nothing! Go,
Katie, go! She wrote:
Dear Madison:
I am told you wanted a
unicorn this year for Christmas, but unfortunately, I do not see unicorns. Due
to their chronic, untreatable migraines, I decided early in my career not to
see unicorns as patient here. As you know, they are also quite large and cannot
fit into our building. Their horns are much too long. Unicorns also have a very
special diet that is hard to maintain as a pet owner. A juicy, round fruit
grows from a Snoodle Tree at the top of the Himalayan Mountains in Asia.
Because of this, unicorns much prefer to live atop the mountains with their
friends and snacks.
Maybe one day we can
have unicorns as pets, but for right now, it is my medical opinion that they
need to live in the wild. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and get to see one
someday – in the wild! Not as a pet.
Sincerely,
Dr. Dan
…there is an
art form to texting as well:
Katie: What does that mean?
Robb: Sigh. It's so hard explaining a joke to you.
Robb: We're coming oiy. Robb: I've stirred this soup like 6x. Where are u?
Robb: We're coming oiu Alex: Almost home
Robb: OUT! Robb: Well, at this rate, might as well say I made
Katie: Smart phones aren't for everyone the soup, I've been at this so long
Alex: I just read this out loud & everyone laughed
Robb: Everyone? Are you at a social gathering?
Alex: Checkout. Psycho.
Kyle
got a new job with a vicious commute, Robb got kidney stones, I had foot
surgery and the Colonel escaped AGAIN! One of the directors at the facility
where my dad is said, “You have to know we cringe when you post on Facebook
that your dad escapes.” But, in fairness, 1) he literally wrote the book on
escape and evade tactics in warfare, 2) he’s a highly trained intelligence
officer who picks locks. You think memory care is going to hold him? Still, she
said the facility could not help but notice that “People on Facebook are
cheering him on!” And all I can say to this is … YAHHH!!!! Go, Colonel, go!!!
As we
close this year, Michelle and I spent our parents’ anniversary in what would
have marked their 57th with just our dad. Bittersweet is that he had
no idea. Instead, we look to our new friends at Isle at Watercrest and get to
witness true angels on earth (caregivers!) and have adopted new moms (and
dads). “The Hoverer” has taken a page from the Colonel, and hovers near doors
for escape. “The Hummer” distracts you with her humming which include
not-so-veiled threats in the hum. “Hmmm, get that away from me or I’ll slap the
sh** out of you, hmmm.” Wait. What?
“Hmmm.” Maria, the resident, not to be confused with caregiver Maria, pretends
not to speak English unless she sees me with donuts. Then, she’s fluent. We
love them all so much. What is the true definition of love? When vegetarian
Michelle pulls apart Daddy’s bacon for him with her fingers and actively
ignores my chants, “Now lick your fingers! Lick your fingers! You know you want
to!” There is NOTHING like getting a room full of residents to cheer you on;
too bad they won’t remember later how hilarious I am.
While
we all can’t have a Snoodle Tree, the one thing I’ve learned from memory care
is friends and snacks are most important!
We hope
you have a great, happy, healthy new year and may you one day see your own
unicorn in the wild!
Love,
Robb,
Alex, Kerri & Kyle, Katie
and
Tomás
Letters of the past: http://allredgreetings.blogspot.com/
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