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Christmas 2015

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Greetings! Another year … another letter …
To our new friends, this letter came about in 1999 when our son was born and I made the colossal mistake of writing a heartfelt letter to which Robb was appalled. People, he said, don’t really like those feel-good letters. They want to know that our lives are so insufferable that, by comparisons, everyone else is pretty good. So – this letter is for you!
This year started out with me setting up a doctor appointment for Robb. He does not like doctors because they touch people. I thought this one might be safe as this had to do with Robb’s inability to sleep. Reluctantly, he agreed but now refers to that appointment as “that time you tricked me.” He did a sleep test but then traveled so much he needed me to get the results. HIPA prevented it. He replied:  “I just need to know if this is just them giving me the results, me calling them names and demanding my money back, them calling the police, me destroying the office in a rage, and then hustling…

Christmas 2014

Dear Friends and Family – By now, most of you know the routine. This is the anti-holiday letter so if you’re looking for excellent news and sweet family stories … move along. If you want to follow the ancestral lines of the Grinch family, well, you’re reading the right letter.
I’ll start by saying I think I have a stress fracture because of Tommy. If you’ve seen “The Pink Panther” in which Peter Sellers’ “houseboy” constantly attacks him to keep his martial arts skills sharp, please note that this kind of thinking is real. It’s stupid but it’s real. This is my fault as I signed him up for a street-fighting, grappling style of martial arts (his instructor is the real deal!) and Tommy likes to be authentic, thereby attacking me when the house is dark. Now we both creep through the house, neither speaking, both waiting to attack. Katie just likes to attack herself. She does this by passing out, face first on the ground. The first time was when she was standing in line in Austin to atten…

Christmas 2013

Dear Friends and Family – It is that time again … a time when we tell you everything that went wrong in our lives so that you can better appreciate the fullness and joy of your own lives. This idea was created by the highly unsociable Robb who infamously told me almost 15 years ago that people don’t want to read happy, cheery, “our lives are so awesome” letters from people. They want misery and suffering so …
Katie has trichotillomania, the uncontrollable urge to twist and pull her hair. This is the only explanation I can offer that we never got Katie’s graduation pictures done. She was too busy pulling and twisting her hair. She also got pulled over for talking on her cell phone while driving through a school zone while also trying to change from a pair of short to pants while driving and wonders why we didn’t let her take her car to college. She just put in an application at Texas A&M to drive the shuttle buses on and around campus with the goal of being able to “have the lives of…